ROI on Lifelong Learning and My Career Crossroad

If I take a serious look at my formal educational value and return on investment between my master's degree, my undergrad, my teaching licensure re-certification fees, and the additional cost of adding on an ESL endorsement to my already abundant certifications for the state of Iowa, one may say that my return on investment is still in the red. I still owe about $2000 on my undergraduate and graduate loans combined - and in the grand scheme where some people pay mortgage payments toward their student loans, mine are relatively small. So why I am I considering getting an EdD?

An EdD is classified as a "terminal" degree in the world of education, meaning that beyond that there really isn't an advantage to having more formal education, but I know that I will never be satisfied without learning more and more and more. But the $40,000 investment (more than I paid out-of-pocket for my master's and bachelor's combined) holds me back from diving into a competitive admission process of a 3 year cohort to receive a transcript that says I will know more 3 years from now than I do today.

In addition to the cost, I am still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I love the work I do to empower students to do quality online work and earn a high school diploma, but I have been ready for a change for awhile. While the Leadership and Innovation Program at Arizona State University meets my requirements for an asynchronous online program and a focus on higher education track, I have always wanted to write.

So, I am in the crossroads of a career pathway. Do I blaze my way into a program and try to be "in the know" on the disruption that IS coming in education? Do I stick to my written goal of being able to freelance write and consult by June 30, 2019? Or do I combine my goals?

I am learning a lot more about writing right now. I am in a professional writing circle. I am also taking an online class, Introduction to Internet Writing. I have free wrote almost every morning for quite some time (more than a year) in my journal. I have written, but not edited, a 50,000 word novel for NaNoWriMo 2017, and I tried to participate in Camp NaNoWriMo in July. Writing is a part of me. But so is education.

While the ROI in the truest sense of the term is still in the red, the investment that I have made in myself through self-learning, participating in lifelong learning opportunities, and continual improvement is much more than the initial $26,000 out-of-pocket investment I made in my undergrad and graduate programs. It is the relationships that I have built. It is the constant push to be the best version of myself and to never stop learning.

Whether I immerse myself in a post-graduate program or jump off the high dive into a world of freelance and consulting work, I will always be a learner.

Leave a comment on what questions you would ask yourself if you were me.

Nails of a Bowling Ball

Since I had my fingernails painted in a marble swirl on the afternoon of August 3rd at Nail World in Cedar Rapids, I have received so many compliments and have been a walking advertisement for the work that they do. The only person who seems to think otherwise is my husband - who believes that I had my nails done to look like a bowling ball.

When my husband suggested bowling tonight, I originally wasn't looking forward to doing anything but the bare minimum to survive tonight; but, I am glad we went. It was a family-focused activity where the kids could explore the cause and effect of rolling the bowling ball down the lane. My daughter danced her way to throwing the ball down the lane and my son laid on the floor listening for the ball to come up the return. Their actions were very much what I expect from each of the kids.

My daughter is always dancing, singing, or moving - and my son likes to figure out how things work. Therefore the wiggling, giggling, and sashaying up to the line by my daughter did not surprise me and if my son really wants to lay on the floor - I'll let him. And if my husband really thinks my nails look like a bowling ball so be it. With this thick layer of awesomeness painted on (it's not dipped), I am relishing the fact that none of my nails chipped while bowling, something that has never happened before.

The Lake Effect Shower

The after effects of a lake effect shower

I know that it was my thirty-first birthday when I first encountered the danger of leaving one child unsupervised in the bathroom. It wasn't because of all the normal reasons that experts tell you not to leave a child alone in the bathroom (drowning, razors, medicine cabinets, etc.) - it was because it was dangerous to let your child be unsupervised for any length of time when she is two and can reach the baby powder.

I know that it was my 31st birthday, because I shared it with my grandma and we had to travel that day to visit her in the nursing home. I was feeding baby brother at the same time that my older child thought it would be a grand idea to shake the baby powder all over the bathroom. 

Brother was only 4 days shy of being six months old and sister (culprit) was a mere 2 1/2 as of Christmas day. But boy did she make a ginormous mess. Now in typical 2 1/2 year old fashion, she was quiet - which any non-exhausted, experienced mom will tell you is generally not an indication of the child finding his/her way to a peaceful slumber, but rather a way of finding his/her way to creating a mess. In fact it was such a layer of baby powder snow that I was able to capture a perfect footprint picture to forever commemerate my 31st birthday.

Fast forward five and a half years and the messes get bigger. Tonight, I was clearing the table, conversing with my husband, and I hear the high pitched silly laughter that only my children can produce when they are having oodles of fun. Noticing that it was 7:30 PM, rounding on 8 PM, I rushed to tell them that they needed to get their pajamas on, but in my bathroom - where they both were standing in the shower - the floor was a lake. 

My generally calm disposition went right out the window and I did not do as I did with the baby powder snow and join in - but I did throw some towels at them and told them to clean it up. They didn't get it cleaned up on the first try - so we had some repeated attempts at drying the floor. 

Now not only will I have the baby powder snow of January 6th, 2013 cemented to memory, but I will also have the Lake Effect Shower of August 27th, 2018 fresh in my mind - and I hope my kids will remember that it is a lot of fun to make the mess, but mom will make you clean it up.

The Struggle to Find Joy

I've been on a personal development journey. It began when I read The Slight Edge in January, joined Noom, and started actively participating in meditation through the Calm app. One thing that I struggle with is finding joy in the present moment and being okay with where I am at right now.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have two children who are becoming more independent every day. In fact, this week my son decided that he would take showers instead of baths and needs virtually no assistance with this task. I have a daughter who willingly takes our 13 year old (we're not sure if he's 12 or 13, but he's old) lab on a walk around the block. We always have clean clothes to wear and if the dishes aren't done we have paper plates. But I struggle. I struggle to really feel the gratitude through the busyness of the Back-to-School season, the inadequacies of my finances to meet all my wants, and the lack of growth opportunities in my career.

To an outsider, I look successful - like I have it all figured out, but in reality I fail more than I succeed and my house is a constant war zone until our amazing #morethanmaids company comes on a bi-weekly basis to take one task off my plate. 

In my head though, I want to constantly compare myself to other people. To my siblings, to my coworkers, to my friends. That is definitely not going to help me become happier with myself. If I want to compare myself with anyone - it should be myself from a year ago, five years ago, or ten years ago. How have I grown? What has been successful during that time?  When I stop and reflect on myself, I see how much I have grown and that breeds happiness.

There are also days when I want to choose to see the negatives in life versus the positives. There are times when I want to say "The hell with all this exponential growth talk! I am just going to stop caring, stop doing, and stop investing because it doesn't matter anyways." But I haven't given up on my commitments to myself: truly living a grateful life and looking for joy (even when the light is off).

My Story - The Reason that I am Pro-Choice - Part 2

The Birth Day

My prenatal appointments had been going well, but I was concerned that this one would be different. I was concerned that my doctor would send me home on bed rest - after all this little peanut wasn't supposed to be born until near the end of July. However, being born on June 25th did have the advantage of being the perfect birthday - it was quite literally half of a year away from Christmas. 

"How was the urine test?" I asked at the end of my appointment. 

My doctor looked it up and said that my test showed 303 and the cut-off for pre-eclampsia was 300. He was admitting me for hospital bed rest and then the baby would be born as soon as I made it to 37 weeks. However, since the last ultrasound that I had had was my 18 week one - he ordered another one. 

When the technician measured the baby inside - she immediately called the doctor and he said we'd be having a baby today. She was measuring six weeks behind. So instead of being nearly 6 pounds - she was only 3 pounds 6 oz. He didn't want to wait any longer and so as soon as my husband returned from a full-daily rate lost parking ticket trip home - I was prepped for a C-Section and our daughter was born. 

I remember that day. I remember that she was small and squawky. I remember that I couldn't hold her because of how the IV was inserted in me and I couldn't move my arm. I remember seeing her and hearing her, but I don't remember much else. 

She was taken to the NICU - but man was she fiesty. She still is, of course. She alarmed the nurses because she could do things that no baby, especially one that was premature and one that was only a few days out of the womb could do.

Let's take a took at what would have happened if I hadn't asked the question. I could have died. My baby girl almost certainly could have died - as my doctor said, "At this point, what are we waiting for?"

The flurry of emotions that surrounds a new mom is overwhelming. It is overwhelming because you now have to take care of someone other than yourself and you have to put your children's needs ahead of your own - in theory. However, when you experience a NICU stay, you realize you must take care of yourself before you are anywhere close to being able to take care of your baby.

With my daughter being my first, I had loads of support. Every time I turned around the baby had visitors and they were asking if there was anything I needed. But what about the moms that don't have that and know that they need to make a decision early on to terminate a pregnancy? What about the moms who could die if they are not in the right place at exactly the right time? Is it okay for society to dictate to them what is best for their health?

In Part 3, I will tell the story of my son's birth - and the emotional overload that I still experience.

The First Day of School - Evening

I had a long day. School starting means that my canyon of leisurely accomplishing my everyday tasks catapulted into the highest, steepest, tallest mountain and I can't really describe my job as being anything other than part teacher, part school counselor, part school administration, and part school secretary. There are lots tasks that are so mundane I don't think about them everyday and there are tasks that accelerate at exponential speed when school counselors, principals, and students are back in their brick-and-mortar buildings - tasks that still exist when we have the valleys, just not as frequently. Instead of a steady pace of hitting the mountaintop peak, it is a catapult up to the top with no incremental steps.

Couple the spring of hitting the mountain peak with the implementation of new processes and what I need is an exponential growth of my patience. Instead, I am short with my husband - because he doesn't ask if there's anything he can help me with. I am short with my kids because they can't read my mind and understand that we need to leave for gymnastics now. I am impatient. I am tired. My house is a mess - dishes haven't been done this week and my laundry is vomiting out dirty clothes. I also haven't slept well. And the work processes? Well, they will get better - but to keep the majority of people happy with the data-processes, we had to implement the change at about the worst possible time for me.

What should reduce duplication of efforts has not proved to reduce my processes yet. My process worked before - it worked because I was able to delegate tasks and knew how to complete them in a pinch, but right now, the process has slowed me down. It won't always, but I like to live with the Amazon philosophy of customer obsession. I have communicated the hiccup to the superusers of my program and I am exercising my patience with those that I rely on to do my job - but for my family - my patience is gone.

I didn't have sidewalk chalk for our annual tradition of drawing the grade level around the child and taking photos this morning. So I bought some after work. I got the kids. I got home. Immediately we went outside to sidewalk chalk it up. My daughter didn't wait for me to get her brother's K done before jumping in and my son was blinded by the sun - so my pictures turned out crappy.

The two around my daughter was not filled in and I was beyond done in waiting on her to do so - so I left her outside. When they look back at their pictures, they'll be disappointed that for Kindergarten and 2nd grades their back to school pictures are pretty crappy - because mom had a crappy day.

The First day of School - Morning

My children start their first days of kindergarten and second grade today. I am sending them on the bus. As much as I would love to be there when they walk through the doors, they need the independence today. It is probably harder for us, as parents, to let our kids grow up, than for our kids to be independent.

They've both ridden the bus before. They will be fine. They have a bus attendant and a bus driver - so all the mistakes that could be made will probably not be made - unlike when I started school. I walked on the bus confidently my first day of kindergarten, but didn't know that you shouldn't sit more than three people in a seat. I just saw a bus full of students and picked a random seat. Now, there's someone guiding my children, so I know that they'll be fine.

Once they walk in to the school, they will either wait for their teacher, or they will go eat breakfast. The second grader has been to this school before, so I have no doubt she will bossily, and possibly in a helpful way, show my son how things are done. Thankfully they will head to their classes at 8:40 and each of them will be able to be independent.

Through the day, they will find routines. They will learn the expectation of their classrooms and their school, and they will review the JSA Way - I am kind. I am calm. I am a listener. I believe I can, I KNOW I can! (Words that we should all live by).

Back-To-School

I took a day of vacation today. Guess what? It was important, but it wasn't vacation. It was filled with volunteering for the school PTA. I happily do so, but I also am craving some time away on a beach with a book or two and no obligations. I am guessing that won't happen now that school is starting on Thursday.

I eerily had almost no new email messages when I had to take an unexpected day off to take care of an ill child on Friday. I haven't checked my work email today. Once school starts my average emails rise from 20 per day to 100+ per day and I keep my inbox virtually empty. I am wondering how many new rather important messages I will have when I login tomorrow, but for today, I enjoyed time with my son.

I walked into the school this morning, dropped my son off in a kindergarten classroom for Kindergarten JumpStart. The friendly teachers of @JSAMagnet greeted us and we made connections between brother and sister and I disappeared to do things that a PTA mom does like man a registration table. Then kindergarten parents were ushered to a different part of the building and were given a tour, told the importance of letting kids be independent, and the critical nature of sleep. I went to see if there was anything I hadn't heard before (after 15 years in education, I am pretty versed in education-ease, so nothing super surprising).

My son was excited to see me, nearly two hours later, and he came out smiling. He found his picture of Ms. Bindergarten and came running toward me. He was not at all unhappy to be there, but he wasn't at all unhappy to leave either.

We did some errands, ate lunch, and he said he wanted to pick up his sister. So we did. Then we packed backpacks up for Back-to-School night. I didn't have all the supplies, but they are communal supplies anyways - so when it is February and they run out, I'll send some.

So at about 2:30 this afternoon, we headed back to school. Armed with a Microsoft Surface tablet and an iPAD, my grandiose idea of having prospective PTAers fill out an online form was partially great and partially a fail - because technology is great - when it works, but with WiFi not working and the HotSpot not picking up more than 2 bars, the ability to complete the online form was not super powerful within the school. (Even the IT expert [husband] could only troubleshoot that it was a connection issue).

From 2:30 to 4:30, I sat at the PTA table. I tried to have people fill out the online form and it worked about 10 percent of the time. Many people opted to just leave their emails with the paper form and it is hopeful that they will go ahead and fill out the online form anyways.

At 4:30, I found my way to the kindergarten classroom and second grade classroom. I introduced myself to the teachers, caught up with other parents and grandparents that I knew from the community and spent time chatting with another mom that have children in daycare with my two and who will be riding the same bus.

By the end of the day though, I am tired. I am ready to wind down and I still had to do bedtime. But we got it all in and I don't think any tears were shed.

We Learn By Messing Up

I dabble in about everything, but one of my truest passions is teaching (well, and writing). Beyond just teaching, I love teaching swim lessons. (It's been two decades and I am still doing it - so I must love it right?) I have had the same swimmer since May and he is a child who is a) an extremely good listener and b) quite insightful for his age.

Rotary breathing is probably the most difficult skill to teach a swimmer. Other issues, such as relaxing enough to float or putting your face in the water come with exposure and a true acceptance of the water being helpful for you. But rotary breathing is a different story. It is hard. It is hard to teach because there are so, so, so many things for your body to remember before you move from the cognitive stage of learning to the autonomous stage of learning.

Tonight, we worked on the very beginning piece of rotary breathing. It was a lot of imagination - talk to the fish, listen to the fish. Use a blowing arm and a breathing arm. I demonstrated. I let my swimmer try. I knew he wouldn't be perfect, no one is on his/her first attempt.

I looked at him and said, "I'm glad you tried." His look told me that he was trying and knew that it was messy.

He said, "We learn by messing up."

Yes, kiddo, we do. And you will too. Rotary breathing takes practice, but once you get it - you will have the hardest part of swimming mastered and I bet that you'll be doing flip turns like the swimmers that you are fascinated by when you walk out of the pool.

My Baby Goes to Kindergarten

Tomorrow we start the official back-to-school process where I will take my son to Kindergarten JumpStart. We will meet my son's teacher, find out about the school, and get acquainted with a new-to-him school. I'm invested in this school, serving on the executive committee for the PTA and participating in a lottery to even be able to have my children go there.

Cedar Rapids Public Schools do things right when it comes to the magnet schools. They are first, and foremost, neighborhood schools. After that, it is by chance that students get accepted into the schools and we were lucky that the STEAM magnet school had room for us. Once you are accepted though, you become part of that school's family.

It helped that there were other families from other networks that my husband and I associate with to keep us engaged in the PTA, but to be part of the parent leadership team while my son is starting kindergarten and my daughter is in 2nd grade, it is a little awe-inspiring. I say kind things about all the schools my children have attended in Cedar Rapids, but I say exceptional things about the amazing school culture at JSA. All the teachers are invested. They want to be there and their attrition rate recently has been due to leadership opportunities - not because they disliked the school.

So as I reflect on the past 6 years and how my baby is now going to be walking into his first day of kindergarten this year, I wonder what growth I will see in him this year. Six years ago, next week, we made it home from the hospital after a 50 day NICU stay. Five years ago, next month, he took his first step. Three and four years ago, I really don't remember that well. Two years ago, he started preschool. A year ago, he rode the bus for the first time to alternative kindergarten. Thursday, he'll walk through the doors of a new school and begin his kindergarten year.

Will he surpass his sister with his reading skills?

Will he be even more engineering-minded when he enters first grade?

Will he love ST Math? (Likely, yes - since last week he said to his sister, "I am a Johnson student now; you have to let me play ST Math.")

Will he love kindergarten?

Will he keep his hands to himself?

I'll keep you posted on the answers to these questions, but for now I just want the wonder and awe of remembering that my once 3 lb. 3 oz little boy is now an energetic, fun-loving, inquisitive almost-kindergartner.

A Lemonade Stand

We have heard for six weeks nearly every weekend, "Mom, can I have a lemonade stand?" (It's never "Dad, can I have a lemonade stand?" but that's another post). I caved today. I said yes.

If my daughter's name began with a P, we'd call her Persistent Patty, but it doesn't. The child has the persistence of a puppy dropping the ball at your feet literally every time you throw it. When she wants something, it is unrelenting until she gets it and if you say no, you better have every ounce of willpower to follow through on saying no.

So today, we embarked on the lemonade stand adventure. It lasted more than five minutes, which was a relief. She even had one paying customer besides mom, dad, and brother, but she has yet to grasp the whole planning stage of entrepreneurship. Instead, she sees her objective, conquers it, and then asks me, "Mom, why are there no customers?"

I referenced a book that we read, "Froggy's Lemonade Stand" by Jonathon London, and asked what happened during that book. Froggy drinks all the lemonade while waiting on his friends, so I asked my daughter to think about how people were generally busy in the mornings and told her to pick it up again about 3 PM. When we returned home from a little family outing at 3, she was no longer interested.

So now, we have a pitcher of lemonade in the fridge and a lemonade sign that says, "Lemonade 25 cents." I have no idea if we'll use the lemonade sign again, but I'm sure that we'll drink the lemonade - because who doesn't love a cup of lemonade on a warm summer day?

Waste Time at Aldi?

When I started out on this whole adulting thing, I refused - vehemently refused - to shop at Aldi. It was not a store that I wanted to waste my time at because I was perfectly willing to pay for convenience. After my son was born and we moved to a larger city, I found my way to Aldi.

What I also found was that it wasn't a waste of time, but a huge time saver. They don't have multiple brands (aside from special buys), so I have no decision fatigue in navigating the right value for the food I am purchasing. They no longer operate on a cash-only basis, which helps with the whole convenience thing too (because who has cash anymore?).

Today, my six year old and I headed to Aldi for some ingredients to make eggplant parmesan. The eggplant already existed on my counter and I needed to do something with the obscene amount of vegetables that we have collected from our CSA over the past two weeks, so tonight's menu - eggplant parmesan. So my son and I journey to Aldi where the requests for cheesy crackers and chocolate syrup can be indulged in because the total of my bill will still be thirty to fifty percent less than if I were shopping at a different supermarket.

So now that I'm well into my thirties and definitely much more seasoned in this adulting world, I find that Aldi may not have all the bells and whistles of a bigger supermarket chain, but I guarantee you that I am not waiting in line wasting my time any longer at this wonderful grocer than any other larger grocery store.

It's Not Having What You Want, It's Wanting What You've Got

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." - Soak Up the Sun by Sheryl Crow

In January, I really started to focus on personal development. I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, joined Noom, downloaded Calm, and continued my daily journaling practice. Although there are many things that each media taught me, the best gift that I can give myself is gratitude. 

Happy people are successful people. Jeff Olson devotes a whole chapter to this concept in The Slight Edge. Calm has a seven day program to explore gratitude. Noom celebrates what is going well in a journey to lifelong health - and focuses on all aspects of health, including mental health. 

To be happy, one must be grateful. So often, we focus on all the things we don't have. We focus on not having a new car or a new house. We focus on not having a new job or new relationship. But, what if, instead, we focus on the home that we already have? The car that takes to and from work, the job that pays our bills, or the relationship that we've invested in over time?

Sheryl Crow says it well in Soak Up the Sun, "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." When we want want we already have, we can be grateful. We can appreciate life around us and we can be part of a kinder humanity.

As a person I practice kindness everyday. I begin my work day with thank yous and end my day reflecting on what I am grateful for. Generally, I am not thankful for stuff, but rather I am thankful for the interactions that I have had with someone. And, my quarter of an investment in the way of a card can put a smile on someone's face for the day and I often get some kind of acknowledgement later, which I don't need, but I am happy to celebrate someone else's day.

As a mom, I need to share this with my children. We talk about things that make us happy and sad during the day, but I hear, "Mom, I need to order a new Power Ranger Megazord from Amazon. Mom, did you know there's a toy store in Kansas City? Mom, Walmart has a toy section [giggle, giggle]," nearly everyday from my 6 year old. So now that I am focused way more on having gratitude in my adult life, I am going to start posing the questions to my children, "What do you already have that you are thankful for?" and "How can we spread more kindness in the world?"

My Gifts

I took the dog out for a quick walk tonight. We generally don't go on very many walks, but I am trying to change my lifestyle - and it's definitely not super easy. On our walk, I was thinking about the gifts that I have in my personal and professional life.

First, I am patient. I am about the most patient person on the planet until I've hit my limit of stress for the day and then I snap. I snap at my husband. I snap at my children. I snap at the dog and the cat, but if you're a stranger I probably won't snap at you. I tell other people that my own mom "has the patience of a saint - for anyone that is not her child." Generally my patience is not just for those strangers, but is for everyone in my life.

Second, I am calm. I stay very calm - except when I've told my daughter 18 times that it is time to go and finally have to resort to yelling at her to get even a minuscule amount of her attention. I offer up the choice and consequences of her actions as calmly as possible and on the days she's had her medicine it works - other days not so much (she has ADHD).

Third, I am great at training others. I give step-by-step directions. They are detailed and they start at the beginning. So when I am training other colleagues on a new software program, I deliver an SOP with screenshots and it starts at the very beginning. I write user-guides like I am making them for my own mom - who again has the patience of a saint - for anyone that is not her child. If I am trying to teach her something new, especially when it comes to technology, I start at the power button and work my way up from there. With screen casting, I can also make videos which is incredibly helpful in my professional life teaching ESL students.

Are these all my gifts? Nope. Is this the short list of my most outstanding ones? Yes. Now I am off to give the greatest gift of all - the gift of reading to my children and promoting literacy at home.

Mom, How Do I Order it from Amazon?

I was sitting in the van, getting ready to take my children somewhere. I'm sure it was daycare or gymnastics - all routine places that we go frequently. There was nothing special about the day until my 6 year old son told me, "I need to order a #PowerRanger Megazord from Amazon."

My son labels everything with precise labels. He labels his transformers, #Bumblebee, and #OptimusPrime. He labels his shoes #Skechers or #UnderArmor. He speaks with precision so that we know exactly what he means - well most of the time.

So the surprise didn't come from, "#PowerRanger Megazord." It came from "order" and "#Amazon."

I don't know about the rest of you, but at 6 years old, I was not worried about ordering a new toy from a website. (Okay - websites didn't exist at all when I was 6). Nor was I worried about ordering a new toy from a catalog or off of an infomercial.

I'd love to say that when I was 6 I was riding bikes and digging holes, but the truth is, I don't remember what I was doing when I was 6. I do, however, know that I sure wasn't ordering anything off of Amazon (and my son won't be either).

My Morning Routine

I just finished listening to the audio book of My Morning Routine: How Successful People Start Every Day Inspired by Benjamin Spall and Michael Xander. The authors interviewed many successful people that described their morning routine and give advice to the listeners/readers as to how successful people start their days.

It is not surprising that many successful people do not start their day with email. Many have more introverted activities such as journaling or meditation, or even exercise, to begin their days and many will not put their phones in their bedrooms. As I listened to this I had some questions:

1.) Am I unsuccessful at getting enough sleep because my phone is my alarm clock?
2.) Could I be a freelance writer?
3.) Am I doing anything to inhibit my creativity?
4.) How do I define success?
5.) Is there room in my morning routine to add exercise?

I'd like to take a look at each of my questions individually.

My phone
When I go to bed, my phone is near my pillow. The "Do Not Disturb" setting is turned on from 9 PM to 5 AM. It is face down and I am generally not on it at night, unless all my physical print publications have been read and I have downloaded an e-book from the library. Most of the people interviewed for this book would not have a problem with my phone being in my bedroom, not being used, as long as I have the discipline to follow through on not using it (which is 95% of the time).

Freelance Writing
I spoke with my husband yesterday about the possibility of becoming a freelance writer. Ideally, I would find a book contract and I would become the next Jodi Picoult or J.K. Rowling; however, I am not sure how to go about finding an agent to break into that field - or even if I am in the right place at the right time like some authors find themselves. My goal for myself during the next year is to learn about freelance work. I will take an online class and I will commit to posting at least one blog post per week.

Inhibition of Creativity
I don't think I am inhibiting my creativity. That doesn't mean that I always have creative juices flowing through my veins, but I definitely have embraced "Creation Before Input." From the time I heard that phrase, I have actively put off logging in to my social media accounts to start my day. I may check them before I leave home, but not without my journaling and meditation time first. My routine is to let the dog out, feed him, get a cup of tea or coffee (depending on my relationship with sugar at the moment - coffee if I am carefree about sugar and want a little sugar with my coffee, but tea when I am conscientious of what is actually entering my mouth in the sweets department), retreat to my writing station - currently in the corner of our guest bedroom - where I journal for at least twenty minutes, and I follow it up with The Daily Calm. I would say that I am doing well at creating before I even think of checking my phone - but if I fail, I forgive myself.

Success
I want to compare myself to other people and measure my success by their houses, their cars, their lifestyles; but, I need to compare myself to myself from the past. When I focus on where I was six and eight years ago, I have grown exponentially as a person. Eight years ago I became a mom and there is nothing like a child that challenges you to have more of a routine. Six years ago our second child was born. He was a preemie. I have not only kept him alive (that's a huge success for all moms out there - go you) and he wants to play with me. That's success. My daughter is a reader now. She struggles with attention and she bombed her winter reading test, but she made huge gains in the spring and we've actually read this summer (another success). My marriage - definitely not perfect - has survived for 12 years. My student loans are nearly paid off and neither car is tied to a car payment - another way that I am successful. I have a job that I mostly like - and it pays me well, but also affords me the flexibility to attend all the kids' school activities and be a mentor to others. I'm going to choose to define success by my level of happiness - which is about an 8 or a 9 today.

Exercise in My Morning Routine
Right now, there's no way that I am going to attempt to add in exercise to my morning routine. I rise at 5:15 AM, if not a little earlier, and spend the first hour of my day journaling and meditating. I have never been a morning exerciser and when I have tried to add it to my morning routine in the past I have failed. Therefore, I am perfectly happy keeping my exercise for later in the day when I can be social with others at an aqua aerobics class or swim some laps at an outdoor pool. It's okay that exercise in the mornings doesn't work for me. Maybe if I get to be a freelance writer exercise will slot in an earlier time, but for now evenings it is.

Overall, I would say that my morning routine allows me to focus on myself. Self-care is an important part of my well-being, but I still struggle with the "mommy-guilt" when I put myself first. Now that my children are older, "mommy-guilt" is slowly disappearing and it's being replaced with "why the &%$# did I want kids." But occasionally I see the markings in my journal with "Mome, I luv you," and I am reminded that my kids are watching how I navigate the world and I can only hope that they give themselves permission when they have kids to take care of themselves.

The Reality of Having a Child with ADHD

My child was recently diagnosed with ADHD. It wasn't a surprise that she has it. After all, her dad does.

What is a surprise is how little I know about it, even though I am an educator. What is a surprise is how wearing it is on the person that doesn't have it. What is a surprise is how the mantra of the "way" of the magnet school that she attended this past year, is "I am kind. I am calm. I am a listener. I believe I can, I know I can," and we live it at home - until I completely lose my shit.

It's hard. It's hard because I've been on my own for two months at night. It's hard because the level of severe ADHD is high. It's hard because I am not sure how I should interact with my daughter. I know that I am the best mom for her, but for the love of God, I am exhausted.