The Struggle to Find Joy

I've been on a personal development journey. It began when I read The Slight Edge in January, joined Noom, and started actively participating in meditation through the Calm app. One thing that I struggle with is finding joy in the present moment and being okay with where I am at right now.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have two children who are becoming more independent every day. In fact, this week my son decided that he would take showers instead of baths and needs virtually no assistance with this task. I have a daughter who willingly takes our 13 year old (we're not sure if he's 12 or 13, but he's old) lab on a walk around the block. We always have clean clothes to wear and if the dishes aren't done we have paper plates. But I struggle. I struggle to really feel the gratitude through the busyness of the Back-to-School season, the inadequacies of my finances to meet all my wants, and the lack of growth opportunities in my career.

To an outsider, I look successful - like I have it all figured out, but in reality I fail more than I succeed and my house is a constant war zone until our amazing #morethanmaids company comes on a bi-weekly basis to take one task off my plate. 

In my head though, I want to constantly compare myself to other people. To my siblings, to my coworkers, to my friends. That is definitely not going to help me become happier with myself. If I want to compare myself with anyone - it should be myself from a year ago, five years ago, or ten years ago. How have I grown? What has been successful during that time?  When I stop and reflect on myself, I see how much I have grown and that breeds happiness.

There are also days when I want to choose to see the negatives in life versus the positives. There are times when I want to say "The hell with all this exponential growth talk! I am just going to stop caring, stop doing, and stop investing because it doesn't matter anyways." But I haven't given up on my commitments to myself: truly living a grateful life and looking for joy (even when the light is off).