Taking Care of Yourself

I haven't been this sick since the first year that I taught. I have my first-ever case of bronchitis and I haven't felt 100% since I can't remember when. In the last two weeks, my respiratory health has gotten worse and I am finally on antibiotics to help with the bronchitis now - and I stayed home today. I feel guilty every time I take a sick day. I was conditioned that you don't miss work unless you have a fever, but when you never run a fever, it's hard to make that case.

I can't remember when the last time was that I felt 100%, because I've been seeing spots in my vision. They stay in relatively the same area of my eye and don't generally grow or shrink. They've been there so long that I make note of it and move on. But, this week, I saw neuro-ophthalmology at the University of Iowa. My optic nerve is swollen.

There really wasn't more that they could tell me - other than my optic nerve is swollen and I will need an MRI and an additional test. Apparently there are lots of reasons that an optic nerve can swell, but the doctors that I saw really didn't elaborate on what it could be. They said sometimes it can be as a result of weight gain - but, I've lost weight. In fact, I've lost about 25 pounds since the beginning of 2018. To anyone else that sounds like a ton of weight. I feel like it means nothing.

I whisper that I've lost 25 pounds. I should be shouting that I've lost 25 pounds, but I feel like it's invisible because I need to lose about another 100 and I will still be in the obese category, but I will be comfortable at that weight. The doctors asked what I did to lose the weight. I said a variety of things. I joined Noom. I read The Slight Edge. I purged my basement. I started meditating with Calm. I focused on my mental health more than my physical health and that has produced the greatest results with my weight loss. Sure, the stars aligning to make sure that everything I did aligned perfectly helped greatly to get me started.

I got started on a journey to take better care of myself, but I have had a slip on the journey. I still journal and meditate everyday, but my use of #theslightedge and being a #noomnerd is not thriving right now. I want to live in the important, but not urgent quadrant of Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I want to make sure that I am eating well and exercising, meditating and journaling. I want to take better care of myself, but the first step in doing so is to acknowledge that sometimes you have to give yourself permission to rest. You have to give yourself permission to be okay with the circumstances life throws at you. You have to give yourself permission to be human - even if that means that you spend a day on the couch resting.

The Struggle to Find Joy

I've been on a personal development journey. It began when I read The Slight Edge in January, joined Noom, and started actively participating in meditation through the Calm app. One thing that I struggle with is finding joy in the present moment and being okay with where I am at right now.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have two children who are becoming more independent every day. In fact, this week my son decided that he would take showers instead of baths and needs virtually no assistance with this task. I have a daughter who willingly takes our 13 year old (we're not sure if he's 12 or 13, but he's old) lab on a walk around the block. We always have clean clothes to wear and if the dishes aren't done we have paper plates. But I struggle. I struggle to really feel the gratitude through the busyness of the Back-to-School season, the inadequacies of my finances to meet all my wants, and the lack of growth opportunities in my career.

To an outsider, I look successful - like I have it all figured out, but in reality I fail more than I succeed and my house is a constant war zone until our amazing #morethanmaids company comes on a bi-weekly basis to take one task off my plate. 

In my head though, I want to constantly compare myself to other people. To my siblings, to my coworkers, to my friends. That is definitely not going to help me become happier with myself. If I want to compare myself with anyone - it should be myself from a year ago, five years ago, or ten years ago. How have I grown? What has been successful during that time?  When I stop and reflect on myself, I see how much I have grown and that breeds happiness.

There are also days when I want to choose to see the negatives in life versus the positives. There are times when I want to say "The hell with all this exponential growth talk! I am just going to stop caring, stop doing, and stop investing because it doesn't matter anyways." But I haven't given up on my commitments to myself: truly living a grateful life and looking for joy (even when the light is off).

It's Not Having What You Want, It's Wanting What You've Got

"It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." - Soak Up the Sun by Sheryl Crow

In January, I really started to focus on personal development. I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, joined Noom, downloaded Calm, and continued my daily journaling practice. Although there are many things that each media taught me, the best gift that I can give myself is gratitude. 

Happy people are successful people. Jeff Olson devotes a whole chapter to this concept in The Slight Edge. Calm has a seven day program to explore gratitude. Noom celebrates what is going well in a journey to lifelong health - and focuses on all aspects of health, including mental health. 

To be happy, one must be grateful. So often, we focus on all the things we don't have. We focus on not having a new car or a new house. We focus on not having a new job or new relationship. But, what if, instead, we focus on the home that we already have? The car that takes to and from work, the job that pays our bills, or the relationship that we've invested in over time?

Sheryl Crow says it well in Soak Up the Sun, "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." When we want want we already have, we can be grateful. We can appreciate life around us and we can be part of a kinder humanity.

As a person I practice kindness everyday. I begin my work day with thank yous and end my day reflecting on what I am grateful for. Generally, I am not thankful for stuff, but rather I am thankful for the interactions that I have had with someone. And, my quarter of an investment in the way of a card can put a smile on someone's face for the day and I often get some kind of acknowledgement later, which I don't need, but I am happy to celebrate someone else's day.

As a mom, I need to share this with my children. We talk about things that make us happy and sad during the day, but I hear, "Mom, I need to order a new Power Ranger Megazord from Amazon. Mom, did you know there's a toy store in Kansas City? Mom, Walmart has a toy section [giggle, giggle]," nearly everyday from my 6 year old. So now that I am focused way more on having gratitude in my adult life, I am going to start posing the questions to my children, "What do you already have that you are thankful for?" and "How can we spread more kindness in the world?"